The light sneaks through the branches lining the trail and lights the path in an angelic way………until I realize I’ve used the word angelic and sneak.
I run scared because I think someone is sneaking in on me and even though I may be no angel I do think he will kill me.
I’ve run scared for longer than I can remember now.
This last marathon I looked behind every tree because I had been told that in 9 months I would have a baby…………is that code for I’ll be raped?
I’ve been living a nightmare that I’ve kept mostly to myself…….now it’s out there for the world….and so here it is……I run scared…..
Every time I lace up I wonder if I’m being followed. Every time I lace up I wonder if I need a new route. Every time I lace up I wonder I’d I’m going to turn the corner and be drug behind a tree and killed……
Running at least allows me to have some control in the how I’ll die but at the same time; NO ONE SHOULD LIVE LIKE THIS.
Once upon a time I had a man addicted to drugs break into my home and steal everything I ever thought was valuable. I forgave him and once I picked myself up from crying on the floor, in the hallway, I moved on. He only took things, the worst of which was the class ring from my mother’s high school, and I knew it could be so much worse. That class ring was the only thing I asked the prosecution to beg to get back………………..but it never was. And so we all moved on……….
Now I live a nightmare where someone I once loved uses everything I ever said, any dream, any wish, any hope, and any insecurity …. uses it now against me and those I love. I’d give anything to rewind the clock and remove this person from my life; but alas those things that don’t kill us only make us stronger. Well fucking cheers to putting this cliche to the test.
And so I do the only thing that makes sense…… I run. Despite being afraid, and having every training run throwtered by this person I ran…….be it scared; I ran fast. I went home after the race in Erie thinking I had failed. Not only in life, but in his race as well, to only get a text from a friend two days later telling me congratulations……..I had won my age group.
So despite it all……….I won. Despite the horrid words spewed at me, despite my life threatened, despite my family now always feeling scared, despite my friends having to wonder who’s telling the through, despite …………..I WIN………. I WILL FUCKING WIN.
And so I run. I parked my car and hit the trail. Amongst the trees and the brush I ran in the sunlight because I have nothing to hide.
Groovy Girls Go………..Because I Won’t Run Scared Anymore…….. FUCK YOU